Romantic Love...a tiny lesson about the brain
“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances; if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” Carl Jung
The Brain in Romantic Love
I recently enjoyed Helen Fisher's book, Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray, which traces human family life from its origins in Africa to the Internet dating sites and bedrooms of today. As a biological anthropologist and the chief scientific advisor for Match.com, Helen Fisher's book helped normalize and impart understanding on why we feel that crazy (for better or worse) infatuation and lust during the initial stages of courting and romance. The parts of the brain associated with decision making begins to shut down when in love. For example, you might pass up a much needed good nights sleep, cancel a longstanding date with a friend, or spend money carelessly to win your date over. In order to start the mating process and pass on our DNA, the brain system of romantic love evolved to overlook everything in order to be with our mate. The early state of intense romantic passion fades, of course. It takes a lot of metabolic energy to sustain that romantic passion and we can’t tolerate that forever!
Helen Fisher proposed that lust is an intense craving, our impulse to seize the moment to reproduce; romantic love is a "euphoric madness" that drives us to identify and bond with a mating partner; and companionate attachment grants a union to burgeon even after the romance is no longer so euphoric or mad—establishing an elaborate connection to another living soul.
I adore Julian Fellowes' description of what happens in the brain during the romantic love phase. She writes in her book, Snobs: A Novel, "Lust, that state commonly known as being in love is a kind of madness, it is a distortion of reality so remarkable that it should, by rights, enable most of us to understand the other forms of lunacy with the sympathy of fellow-sufferers.”
Casual Sex is Not Casual
Casual sex doesn’t remain casual unless we don't remember it. Why? When you have an orgasm, oxytocin and vasopressin is released, which are the basic bodily and brain systems for attachment. Take away: you will likely form feelings for the person(s) you have sex with, despite any knowledge you have of how this person fits in to your life as a romantic partner.
Helen Fisher takes on a tricky topic -- love - and explains its evolution, its biochemical foundations and its social importance. Watch the TED Talk here:
How do Antidepressants Affect Romantic Love?
As one chemical system increases its activity, others adjust in a multitude of different ways. Drugs that boost the serotonin system in the brain (SSRIs) tend to suppress dopamine circuits, which are associated with feelings of intense romantic love. Helen Fisher hypothesizes that when an antidepressant jeopardizes the activity of these dopamine pathways, it can also imperil feelings of intense romantic passion. Furthermore, with the suppression of the dopamine circuits, the sex drive is curtailed, orgasm is harder to achieve, and the flood of drugs associated with attachment does not get released. Helen Fisher cautions us that a world without love is a deadly place. While there is little evidence to substantiate her premise, she has received many unsolicited emails from people sharing their personal tales of a shift or numbing of emotion/feeling love/ within 4-6 weeks of starting antidepressants. I believe this is worth being curious about!
It is important to note that many people need these antidepressants to get out of bed in the morning and even if these drugs diminish one’s love life, the former depression can make it impossible to go on living at all. No one has done systematic studies of the relationship between serotonin-boosting antidepressants and the brain systems for romantic love and attachment. However, dozens of studies demonstrate that these types of drugs curb obsessive thinking and blunt the emotions - central characteristics of romantic passions. Harvard Medical School psychiatrist Joseph Glenmullen estimates that 75% of all patients on antidepressants, largely SSRIs, are “needlessly on these drugs.” Check out more about this in the book, Evolutionary Cognitive Neuroscience. As I always encourage my clients to meet regularly with their psychiatrists to adjust, modify, and eliminate unnecessary medications, I believe that love and attachment are integral aspects of our health and should be a discussion point with your doctor.
Written by Nicole Byrne, LMFT