How to Set Boundaries When You Feel Obligated Not to…
We're all turning to phone calls and video chats more than ever to stay connected and maintain our precious relationships. Hopefully most calls are with people you enjoy and care about - and with people who equally care about you. But what about relationships that aren't so fulfilling but you maintain out of obligation and guilt?
Today, I'm specifically thinking about those of you feeling responsible to speak regularly to someone who is alone and struggling, in spite of the negative ways talking to that person makes you feel. I'm thinking about the part of you that feels tremendous guilt to stay in touch and then feels like poop when you hang up.
So what to do? You feel bad because deep down you know this person means well AND he/she is family, an old and dear friend, etc. and they're all alone. Staying in touch is the right thing to do and even with their faults, it's an important relationship. You feel guilty for wanting to avoid speaking because it's hard for you, so you remind yourself that you have no reason to complain and have the conversation anyway. Again, it's the right thing to do.
There's a good reason you feel like poop during these conversations and setting some boundaries will likely resolve that. It's possible to keep in touch and remain supportive of this person while also keeping in mind your needs. Here's how:
If there is a specific topic that's triggering, make a request to avoid discussing that topic during conversations. Set limits around speaking about the things that bring you closer, not apart.
If the calls or texts feel excessive or overwhelming, make a request to speak at a set time or frequency. You'll probably feel more available and present when you do speak if these limits are in place.
Remember that it's ok to say no and reschedule. It's important to be honest, flexible and compassionate toward yourself! Rather than speak when you're really not wanting to or avoid the person all together (both will lead you to feel bad about yourself), decline respectfully and be accountable to rescheduling.
Honesty may mean disappointing a person, but it’s the most caring and supportive thing to do for the both of you!