How to Identify Your Core Values When You've Lost Touch With What Matters to You
An ACT-informed guide to reconnecting with yourself and making choices that reflect the life you want to live.
You're good at taking care of things. You manage responsibilities, anticipate what others need, and make sure things get done. People depend on you, and you've become pretty skilled at keeping everything moving.
But what happens when someone asks what you want? What you enjoy? What makes you feel excited, fulfilled, or connected to yourself?
Photo by Emma Simpson on Unsplash
For some people, these questions are surprisingly difficult to answer.
When you've spent years focusing on what everyone else needs, it's easy to lose touch with your own interests, desires, and sense of direction. Life becomes more about managing responsibilities than experiencing meaning, joy, or fulfillment.
This is where identifying your core values can be helpful.
Values clarification is a way of reconnecting with what genuinely matters to you. Not what you think should matter, or what other people expect from you, but the qualities you want to embody and the directions you want your life to move toward.
And you don't have to have everything figured out to begin.
What Are Core Values, and How Are They Different From Goals?
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), values are the qualities we want to embody in how we live, relate to others, and treat ourselves.
They might include kindness, curiosity, connection, creativity, honesty, adventure, or compassion.
Unlike goals, values aren't something we accomplish and check off a list. They're ongoing directions that can guide our choices.
For example, you might have a goal of spending more quality time with your children. But underneath that goal might be a value of connection, presence, or playfulness.
The goal gives you something specific to work toward. The value helps guide how you want to show up along the way.
You can practice connection during a five-minute conversation, a shared meal, or an afternoon together. You don't have to achieve a particular outcome to live that value.
I often think of values as something we practice through small, everyday choices and commitments.
And here's something important: You don't have to be living in complete alignment with a value for it to matter to you.
You might deeply value creativity but haven't made time for it in years. You might value adventure but feel like your life has become predictable and routine. You might value connection but find yourself too exhausted to nurture your friendships.
That doesn't mean those values are any less meaningful.
It may simply mean there's an opportunity to become more intentional about how you want to live.
Why Can It Be So Hard to Know What Matters to You?
In my work as a therapist, I often sit with women who are incredibly capable, caring, and responsible. They're accustomed to managing their families, careers, relationships, and the needs of people around them.
But when we begin exploring what matters to them, the conversation can become surprisingly difficult.
Sometimes there's a long pause. Sometimes they genuinely don't know how to answer. And sometimes there's discomfort in simply turning their attention inward.
As we get curious about that discomfort, something else often emerges: grief.
There's sadness in realizing that you've spent so much of your life managing everything else that you no longer know what interests you. Maybe you've lost some of your spark or sense of joy. Maybe you've settled for things that don't feel particularly fulfilling or neglected parts of yourself that once felt important.
That recognition can be painful.
I don't think the answer is to judge those years or dismiss the ways you've shown up for others. Caring for people, being responsible, and contributing to your family may genuinely reflect some of your most important values.
But what happens when those are the only values receiving your attention?
What happens to curiosity, playfulness, creativity, adventure, or whatever else once brought you a sense of meaning?
Sometimes identifying our values isn't about discovering something entirely new. It's about reconnecting with parts of ourselves that have been neglected.
This is something I explore more deeply in Why Self-Abandonment Feels Like Love (And How to Stop Losing Yourself), particularly how easily we can lose touch with ourselves while trying to care for others.
And that process of reconnecting deserves curiosity and compassion, not another layer of self-criticism.
Are You Extending Your Values to Yourself?
Here's something I notice frequently in my work: many of my clients are actually quite good at living their values when it comes to other people.
It's extending those same values toward themselves that becomes difficult.
Take kindness, for example.
You might be thoughtful with your friends, patient with your children, and understanding when someone you care about is having a hard time. You recognize that people make mistakes, need rest, and sometimes struggle.
But what happens when you're the one who's struggling?
Maybe you criticize yourself for not doing enough. Maybe you dismiss your own needs because someone else's seem more important. Or perhaps you have a much harder time offering yourself the patience and understanding you readily extend to others.
It's not that you don't value kindness. You're already practicing it.
But are you included?
I think this is an important question, particularly for people who have become accustomed to over-functioning, people-pleasing, or prioritizing everyone else's needs.
Living more intentionally according to your values doesn't necessarily mean abandoning the qualities that have always mattered to you.
Sometimes it means expanding how you practice them.
What would kindness look like if you included yourself? What about patience, compassion, respect, or honesty?
These questions can open up an entirely different way of relating to yourself.
How to Identify Your 3–5 Core Values
If you're feeling disconnected from what matters to you, I encourage you to approach this as an exploration rather than a test.
There aren't right or wrong answers. And you don't need to identify the values you think a good parent, partner, friend, or professional should have.
We're looking for what genuinely resonates with you. What lights you up? What qualities would you like to embody?
Here is a simple exercise you can try.
Step 1: Explore what matters
Begin by reviewing a list of common values.
Some examples include:
Kindness
Connection
Curiosity
Creativity
Adventure
Compassion
Honesty
Playfulness
Courage
Learning
Independence
Growth
Authenticity
Generosity
Respect
As you read through the list, notice which words stand out.
Try not to overthink your choices or evaluate whether you're currently doing a good job of living those values.
Instead, ask yourself:
What qualities feel meaningful to me? What kind of person do I want to be? What brings a sense of meaning, energy, or fulfillment to my life?
You might also consider times when you've felt especially engaged or connected to yourself. What were you doing? What qualities were you expressing?
Step 2: Narrow your list to 3–5 values
Once you've identified several possibilities, narrow your list to three to five values that feel particularly important right now.
This isn't about ranking every aspect of your life or deciding what should matter forever.
It's simply a way of identifying a few meaningful directions you'd like to give more attention to.
And remember, the values you choose don't necessarily reflect how you're currently spending your time.
You might select creativity precisely because you've been missing it. You might choose autonomy because you've noticed how often your decisions revolve around other people's expectations.
The distance between what matters to you and how you're currently living isn't a failure. It's information.
Step 3: Consider what each value looks like in practice
For each value, ask yourself:
What would it look like to embody this quality in my everyday life?
If you value connection, perhaps that means being more present with people you love or making time for friendships.
If you value curiosity, perhaps it means exploring a new interest or allowing yourself to try something without needing to be good at it.
If you value kindness, consider what that looks like both in your relationships and in how you treat yourself.
The more personally meaningful you can make these values, the more useful they'll become in guiding your choices.
Why Knowing Your Values Doesn't Mean You'll Always Act on Them
Identifying your values is one thing. Living according to them is another.
And this is where many people get stuck.
You might recognize that autonomy matters to you, but when an opportunity arises to make a decision based on what you want, familiar thoughts show up.
I'm being selfish.
What if someone is disappointed?
What if they think I'm too much?
I don't deserve to prioritize myself.
What if they reject me?
In ACT, we sometimes describe this as getting hooked by our thoughts.
These thoughts and beliefs can become so familiar that we respond to them automatically, often without realizing how much they're influencing our behavior.
For example, you might value honesty and authenticity in your relationships. But when you have an opportunity to express a need or preference, fear of disappointing someone takes over.
So you stay quiet, agree to something you don't want, or convince yourself that your needs aren't particularly important.
In the short term, that might help you avoid an uncomfortable conversation or the possibility of rejection.
But over time, repeatedly moving away from what matters to you can leave you feeling disconnected, resentful, or stuck.
If this pattern feels familiar, I've written more about why you can feel responsible for everything and struggle to stop carrying it all.
The goal isn't to eliminate these thoughts or feelings before making a different choice.
Instead, we can begin noticing when we're getting hooked by familiar stories and getting curious about how they're influencing our behavior.
We can ask ourselves:
Is this choice moving me toward the person I want to be, or am I primarily trying to avoid something uncomfortable?
There isn't always a simple answer. And sometimes our circumstances genuinely limit the choices available to us.
But learning to notice these patterns creates more room to respond intentionally rather than automatically.
How to Start Living Your Values Through Small, Intentional Choices
One of the things I appreciate about ACT is its emphasis on committed action.
We don't have to wait until we feel confident, motivated, or completely free from uncomfortable thoughts before taking steps toward what matters.
And those steps don't have to be big.
In fact, I often encourage clients to begin with small, manageable actions.
If you value connection, perhaps you reach out to a friend you've been meaning to contact.
If you value playfulness, maybe you give yourself permission to do something simply because you enjoy it, without needing it to be productive.
If you value self-compassion, perhaps you begin noticing your internal dialogue and practicing a kinder response when you make a mistake.
If you value honesty, maybe you pause before automatically saying yes to a request and consider what you actually want.
These are small choices, but they matter.
And chances are, some discomfort will come along for the ride.
You might feel guilty for taking time for yourself. You might worry about disappointing someone. You might hear that familiar voice telling you that you're not doing enough.
The work isn't necessarily to make those experiences disappear.
It's learning that you can make room for them while still choosing actions that reflect what matters to you.
One question I often return to is:
What's one small choice I can make today that moves me toward the person I want to be?
You don't have to overhaul your life. You can begin right where you are.
Living Your Values Doesn't Mean Always Feeling Happy
There's a common misconception that when we're living according to our values, life should feel good.
And certainly, moving toward what matters can bring greater meaning, satisfaction, and joy.
But values-aligned living doesn't guarantee happiness or comfort.
Sometimes it asks us to do things that are difficult.
Honesty might involve having an uncomfortable conversation. Connection might require vulnerability. Autonomy might mean making a choice that someone else doesn't agree with.
You can feel anxious and still act courageously. You can feel guilty and still make a choice that reflects your values. You can experience uncertainty and still move toward something meaningful.
And you won't do it perfectly.
There will be times when you fall back into old patterns, make decisions based on fear, or recognize afterward that you weren't showing up in the way you'd hoped.
That's part of being human.
Values aren't another set of standards to measure yourself against. They're directions you can keep returning to.
In my work, I often notice that as clients begin making more intentional, values-aligned choices, something shifts.
They experience more lightness. More meaning and joy. Greater appreciation for themselves and a growing sense of autonomy.
Their lives aren't necessarily free from stress, responsibility, or difficult emotions.
But they're beginning to experience themselves as active participants in their own lives, rather than simply responding to the demands around them.
For women who have spent years pushing through exhaustion, this is also an important part of therapy for over-functioning and burnout: learning to make choices that reflect what matters rather than simply responding to everything that needs to get done.
Coming Back to What Matters to You
If you've spent years taking care of everyone and everything else, reconnecting with your values may take time.
You might discover interests you've forgotten about, qualities you'd like to embody more fully, or parts of yourself that haven't received much attention.
You might also experience sadness about how long it's been since you've considered what you genuinely want.
There's room for all of that.
The purpose of identifying your values isn't to create another list of things you should be doing. It's to become more intentional about how you want to live, how you want to show up in your relationships, and how you want to treat yourself.
You don't need to have everything figured out. And you don't have to live in perfect alignment with your values to begin.
Start by getting curious about what matters.
Choose a few qualities you'd like to embody.
And then consider one small way you might practice them today.
Perhaps that includes extending some of the kindness, patience, and care you've so readily offered others toward yourself.
Ready to Reconnect With What Matters to You?
If you've spent years putting everyone else's needs ahead of your own, it can be difficult to know where to begin. Therapy can help you reconnect with what matters, recognize the patterns that keep you stuck, and begin making choices that feel more aligned with the life you want to live.
I'm Nicole Byrne, LMFT, and I work with women navigating burnout, people-pleasing, and over-functioning in Pasadena and online throughout California and Nevada.