Relationship Goals
What is love?
The topic of how to cultivate a loving relationship that will survive and endure seems to be incredibly important. Yet, we seem to know a lot about how love begins and recklessly little about how it might continue. I recently read The Course of Love by Alain de Botton, who meticulously traces the challenges and rewards of marriage. Unlike our most common understanding of Eros (passionate and romantic love), Alain de Botton is pragmatic and believes that a certain degree of pessimism can be an ally of love. According to Alain de Botton, the course of true love is in part a painful experience between two flawed individuals. The more generous we can be toward that flawed humanity, the better chance we will have of doing the hard work of love.
You may have read his popular New York Time’s Article, Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person, in which he discusses the harsh and unhelpful philosophy of romanticism and encourages us to utilize forbearance and generosity when encountering endemic issues that every well matched couple will face. I believe that its' popularity is based on the fact that our society has enormous loneliness around difficulties, and his discussion of relationship challenges is consoling in a culture that is oppressive in its’ demands for perfection. Though it may sound grim, life is suffering, and we need solace when we’ve gone wrong in relationship.
Real talk...love & relationships
Maturity begins with the capacity to be mindful of, and in good time and without defensiveness, admit to our own craziness. If we are not regularly deeply embarrassed by who we are, the journey to self-knowledge hasn’t begun. I agree with Alain de Botton’s recommended first date conversation starter, in which you say, “I’m crazy like this…how crazy are you?” Though this contradicts the customary appeal to woo over your potential mate, a discussion of “craziness” permits acceptance for the reality that two people with various struggles are trying to get together.
One person can’t be everything to one another, there can only ever be a “good enough” marriage or relationship. Therefore, choosing a person to spend the rest of our lives with is a matter of deciding exactly what kind of suffering we want to endure, rather than assume that via relationship we have found a way to skirt the rules of emotional existence.
As Alain de Botton eloquently states, for most people, marriage ends up as a hopeful, generous, infinitely kind gamble, taken by two people who don’t know yet who they are or who the other might be, binding themselves to a future they can’t conceive of and have carefully avoided investigating. Relationships are complex, and the more we can lean into this realism and acceptance, the closer we align to the truth of love. Often we blame our partners, our most trusted partners in crime, for our pains and hardships. However, if you ask yourself why you are in pain, and you recognize that some of those things are endemic to existence, then you realize you’re encountering the pains of life WITH your partner, rather than because of your partner. This reduces blame and consequential distance and tension in relationship.
Truths & Tips: Maintaining a Loving Relationship
What we should be aiming for is not perfection, but a “good enough” relationship.
A certain kind of bravery and heroic acceptance of loneliness is a key ingredient to be able to form a relationship. One of the greatest sorrows is to feel like our partner doesn’t understand us, but if you expect that your lover will understand everything about you all the time, you will be furious!
Relationships are not necessarily where we always encounter our best selves. But even still, that doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is bad.
Lend prestige to the mundane issues of relationship, because those unremarkable and tedious issues will create wear and tear on your relationship!
Self-righteousness is an enemy of love. Love requires care, humility, and compassion.
Compatibility is an achievement of love, it can not be its precondition. Love is something that we have to learn. It’s not just an enthusiasm, but it’s a skill. It requires patience, graciousness, and imagination; we must fiercely resist the idea that true love is conflict free.
Written by, Nicole Byrne, LMFT #90540