Radical Acceptance
Feeling Unworthy
Fears, desires, and insecurities get passed down for generations. Parents yearn to see their children make it in ways that are important to them; or they hope their children will be special, which in our competitive culture means more intelligent, more accomplished and attractive than others. Parents can see their children through filters of fear (they might not get into a good college and be successful) or filters of desire (will my children reflect well on us?). Influenced by our culture, parents often convey to their children that anger and fear are bad, that their natural way of expressing their frustrations and wants are unacceptable.
Many of my clients are aware of the qualities of an ideal parent. They know that when parents are genuinely present, loving, and attuned that they offer their child a mirror for his or her goodness. That child then develops a strong sense of security and trust early in life, and the capacity for spontaneity and intimacy with others. When examining their wounds, my clients often discover that they did not receive the love and understanding that they desired as children. Consequently, these wounds trickled down to their relationships with their partner, friends, or their own children, For my clients, that wound sometimes appears in the form of being inattentive, judgmental, angry, and self-centered. These imperfect parents had imperfect parents of their own, and so on, and so on. As we internalize this view of our nature, we begin to feel overcome with unworthiness.
How do we typically manage inadequacy?
Participation in continuous self-improvement projects. Driven by anxious undercurrents of “not good enough” we dye our hair to cover the grey, try numerous diets to lose weight, and get a face lift. We push ourselves to get the higher position at work. We take workshops, write lists, volunteer, and take enriching courses of study. Rather than enjoying who we are and what we are doing, we are comparing ourselves with an ideal and doing these things to make up for the difference.
Playing it safe instead of risking failure. We don’t take on leadership opportunities at work, we guard ourselves from intimate relationships, and we might hold back from expressing our creativity, or being playful and affectionate.
Withdrawal from the present moment experience. We escape the fear and shame by relentlessly telling ourselves stories about what is happening in our lives. You might keep any of the following key themes going: what we have to do, what has not worked out, what trouble might lie ahead, how others are viewing us, how others are (or are not meeting our needs), how others are interfering or letting us down.
Keep busy. As soon as there is space to reflect, we check our e-mail or social media feed, get a snack, watch television - anything to help us bury the feelings of vulnerability and deficiency.
Becoming our own worst critic. The running narrative in our minds reminds us that we always fail, and that others are managing their lives much better. Consumption of what is wrong with us gives us the sense that we are controlling our impulses, disguising our weaknesses and possibly improving our character.
Focus on other people’s faults. Blaming others temporarily relieves us from the burden of failure.
A Helpful Tool: Radical Acceptance
When feeling the weight of unworthiness, it’s rare to clearly see what is happening or to feel kind in the process. Leaning into the moment to moment experience, releasing the stories, and gently holding one’s pain or desire is how we begin to reach Radical Acceptance. First we must see clearly, often described as mindfulness, and next we must hold our experience with compassion. For further information on mindfulness, check out my blog post here. Compassion is our capacity to relate in a tender and sympathetic way to what we perceive. For example, instead of fighting our feelings of fear or grief, with compassion we embrace our pain and honor our experience.
Tara Brach is a wonderful resource with talks, guided meditation, and books on topics of Radical Acceptance. I encourage you to check her out!
“Allow
There is no controlling life. Try corralling a lightning bolt, containing a tornado. Dam a stream and it will create a new channel. Resist, and the tide will sweep you off your feet. Allow, and grace will carry you to higher ground. The only safety lies in letting it all in – the wild and the weak; fear, fantasies, failures and success. When loss rips off the doors of the heart, or sadness veils your vision with despair, practice becomes simply bearing the truth. In the choice to let go of your known way of being, the whole world is revealed to your new eyes.”
Written by Nicole Byrne, LMFT