How to Be Helpful When a Loved One is Suffering
We generally want the best for those we care about - and that typically means we desire for these people of ours to feel happy and carefree.
But, we all know it's impossible to get through life without some bumps and bruises.
So next time you're supporting a loved one going through a hard time, and you find yourself wanting to jump to a solution, or rescue that person from their pain, ask yourself if this is because you're unable to remain emotionally present in the face of another person's pain. It's super vulnerable and likely uncomfortable to be emotionally present and empathically listen to another's suffering. It's so much easier if we can get on to a solution and move on to feeling better!
However, if you can be present and sit with your person's feelings and experience, you will help that person even more! And, it will pave the way for deeper intimacy in relationships.
How to empathically listen:
Invite the person to tell stories and discuss what’s difficult. “Can you tell me what happened?” “I see tears in your eyes, can you share with me what you’re going through?”
Offer body language such as nodding your head and eye contact that demonstrates your presence
Offer empathy by summarizing what you hear the person say (go deep with emotions). “Based on what you’re telling me, I can imagine you must be really sad. Is that true?”
Listen without sharing about yourself and how you can relate
Listen without sharing a way to fix the situation
When people suffer, I think they often suffer twice. They first suffer because they’ve gone through something painful. Usually they suffer a second time because their loved ones don’t appear as though they want to hear about it or don’t communicate a wish to hear about all of it. It’s the elephant in the room! How about those times you sit around the dinner table and everyone knows you’ve gone through something difficult but not a single person asks how you’re doing?! I frequently observe people who love each other and mean the best, and they get locked into very lonely positions because they simply don’t ask.
Nothing takes a greater toll than a don’t ask don’t tell policy when the subject is emotionally significant. Nobody wants to be intrusive or pushy but it’s better to move in the direction of truth by offering the invitation to talk about it. If you know someone who has experienced something painful invite that person to discuss any and all of it and listen empathetically. That’s an active way to support and heal!