I work with many women who exhibit an overzealous wish to be helpful and tend to know what’s best not only for themselves but also for others. For this reason, it can be difficult to stay out of other people’s problems and allow others to struggle toward their own solutions.

I call these wonderful women overfunctioners. They strongly resist voicing vulnerability with an “underfunctioning” relationship, and they may be convinced that others have little in the way of help to offer anyway. They're supportive to others and barely speak about themselves. Overfunctioners resist sharing their problems and complaints with others in order to be respectful and considerate of the other person. Overfunctioners tend to move in quickly to advise, rescue, and take over when stress hits.They have difficulty sharing their vulnerable side, particularly with those they view as having problems of their own.

They avoid being a burden at all costs! Sound like you?

Do you think there's something admirable and noble about people who don't complain, who hide their pain, and quietly go about solving their own problems?

Along with our beliefs about self-disclosure, we all have patterned ways of managing anxiety and getting comfortable in our significant relationships. Each person has strengths and vulnerabilities; but when we're out of balance, it won't help to just "be ourselves" and "say what we feel" - which boils down to more of the same. Instead, we may need to get uncomfortable and shift how we present ourselves, so that we can expand how we experience ourselves with others.

There are several downsides of being stuck in an overfunctioning role. A primary challenge is that it can leave you feeling depleted and resentful. Over time, this can lead to overwhelming stress, anxiety, and depression because you’re available for everyone’s needs except yours.

Changing your part in a polarized relationship can be challenging but it’s worth it! By broadening the conversation about yourself, you can be REAL instead of ideal.

The truth is we all have our own limitations, worries, and vulnerabilities. When you only listen and try to help, and you don’t share your struggles, you act as if the other person has nothing to offer you and isn’t capable of caring. You may be firmly convinced this is so, or you may be uncomfortable risking your own receptivity to this kind of support.

Here’s the myth busting truth - to reach out for the other person’s competence, even when it isn’t readily apparent, is an act of respect. You can never know the totality or full potential of the other person until you have these conversations. And through having them, you unwittingly enlarge or diminish the potential and possibilities of everyone around you.

Making a tiny dent in your overfunctioning ways can enhance mutually empowering connections, and it can lead to a more accurate picture of yourself and the other person.

If you fall in to the overfunctioning category and you’re ready to find balance, try the following:

Experiment with conversations that initially feel unlike your “real self” by giving voice to your limits and vulnerability. In doing so, you can wake up those aspects of yourself that have been suppressed or shamed into silence.
Try starting the conversation with, “Let me tell you about my difficult/good/exciting/hard day” as opposed to starting with, “Tell me about yourself.” Go ahead, try it!
Shift your mindset
👉Be willing to experiment, practice and pretend to be "as if."
👉Finish with a complex, rich, and more accurate “we” vs. “I” in relationship.

Are you an Overfunctioner? Here's How to Find Out!