The 5 Types of Apologies That Don't Heal
Not every apology leaves both people feeling better. In fact, sometimes if the apology lacks sincerity and accountability, receiving this type of apology can leave you feeling infuriated instead of better. Often times, when we apologize we’re doing it for the wrong reasons and we aren’t ready to slow down and really reflect on our mistakes. Many of us have been taught from a young age to apologize when we’ve done something wrong with a simple 2 word “I’m sorry.” But we haven’t been taught to take a look at what we’re apologizing for, tolerate the discomfort of reflecting on our mistakes, and take sincere responsibility with the intent to improve next time.
Apologizing isn’t easy, and many people do it only part way, insincerely, or not at all. And in doing so, they miss out on key opportunities for relationship repair. When we offer apologies that don’t heal, conflict can escalate rather than resolve. With this in mind, let’s take a look at five common forms of ineffective apologizing, See if any of them resonate with your experience.
1. An apology offered without sincerity, to get out of a predicament
You might not be satisfied to hear your partner say, "I'm sorry you were so upset by my comment at the party," as if the problem is that you're oversensitive. Instead, you'd prefer to hear, "I'm sorry I criticized you for telling jokes at the party. I was out of line to act like it was my job to monitor your behavior."
2. An apology followed by rationalizations
Then there's apologies followed by excuses. We’ve all heard these (and said them) and they're rarely satisfying. These usually sound like, "I'm sorry, BUT ____."
3. An elaborate apology followed by the very behavior being apologized for
An endless string of meaningless apologies often signals a failure to change one's behavior. What matters is not whether the person really meant it during those passionate moments of remorse - what counts is the follow through so there is no repeat performance.
4. An apology served to silence the other person
The apology meant to silence the other also isn't constructive - "I said I'm sorry, so why are you bringing it up again??" An apology may not fully resolve the issue - in that case setting healthy limits around ways to safely dialogue and resolve the issue is likely necessary.
5. An apology that disempowers the other person
Finally, sometimes we apologize to facilitate our own recovery, without considering whether dredging up old material may be more painful than helpful to the other person. Not all apologies clear the air or foster the growth of a relationship.
When someone offers you a genuine apology, you'll feel relieved. And likewise, when you tender a genuine and thoughtful apology when it's due, you'll feel so much better. It's important to know that we can make mistakes or act badly, and then repair the disconnection - it restores our sense of well being and integrity.
In order to apologize effectively, you need to develop the capacity to regulate your feelings and stay humble and focused on the experience of the other person, even when you might be upset inside or unsettled with guilt. It’s not easy to do, especially when emotions are high. If you feel like emotion might get the best of you, you should pause, take a break, and regroup. You only get one chance to make an apology without coming across as excessive, so make it count!
Whether you feel emotional or not, when you’re ready to apologize the best method is to step outside of your experience and consider the other person’s perspective. Try to drum up empathy and understand it - and in doing so, this will likely lead to a genuine, heartfelt, and effective apology. Continue to remind yourself of the reason you’re doing this hard work of apologizing in the first place: presumably because you care about the other person and the relationship.
The ultimate part of the apology typically requires some commitment to personal change. If you’re truly sorry for what you did, you’ll want to make improvements. In this way, apologizing can not only repair a relationship, but it can also become a powerful opportunity for your own personal growth.