I have a bad habit of over-apologizing. My girlfriends and I try to hold each other accountable by bringing attention to each and every unwarranted apology. I'm known to say, "what exactly is it that you're apologizing for?"

Women, in particular, often apologize to a fault! We often feel guilty if we're anything less than an emotional service station to others. And, it's also typical to have a tendency to feel responsible for EVERYTHING. Apologizing when we have done something wrong is a real strength, but compulsive apologizing presents as a weakness at work and in personal relationships.

Apologies can relieve us of our anxiety by filling the silence and seemingly keeping the peace when interacting with others. Excessive apologies can develop when we fear being seen as offensive or we experience regular anxiety about not being liked. Unfortunately, if you're apologizing frequently for fear of socially rejecting someone, this may actually increase hurt feelings rather than increase feelings of forgiveness.

It's totally possible to kick this habit and flip your script! Like the development of any new habit, it simply requires consistent and deliberate practice to build a strong new pathway in your brain.

From a neuroscientific perspective, curbing the constant need to apologize requires the following strategy:

Awareness and intent that you desire to change
Attention to those times you apologize excessively
Accountability - take it from me and have a friend or partner alert you each time your apology shows up

Swap out apologies for accountability phrases. Here are some alternatives for apologies:

Instead of apologizing, offer a solution.
For example, if you sent a work email and there is information missing, skip the "I'm sorry, forgot one thing!" or "My apologies, here is the missing information," and move right to the "In my last email I did not include X. Below are the additional details." You have not admitted fault, you have simply corrected a mistake.
Try trading remorse for gratitude.
Let's say you're late to a meeting or commitment. Your instinct might be to say, "So sorry, I'm late!" Instead try "Thank you for your patience." This changes the tone you set when walking into a room or starting a conversation. You acknowledge the issue while setting up a positive environment for what's to come.
Conclude with a real, authentic apology.
Sometimes, the situation calls for a genuine apology. Such is life! To understand if the situation warrants an apology, ask yourself honestly whether you've made your most conscious decision, explore other unapologetic avenues, and see if you still believe an apology is necessary. Your thoughtfulness in deciding to use an apology, after exploring other tactics for problem solving, will help you make conscious decisions about apologizing rather than using apologies senselessly. When you say sorry, your coworkers/friends/family will know that you mean it.

What good phrases do you use in place of I'm sorry?

Are You Sorry of Saying "I'm sorry" All the Time? Here is What to Say Instead!