Criticism is hard to take. Period, the end.

There’s no denying that most of us become defensive when a family member or loved one begins to criticize us. We listen to refute or correct what is unfair or wrong in their comments. We listen to explain what's unjust and correct the inaccuracies. Take that! It's difficult to listen to someone's pain when that person is accusing us of causing it. And because it's difficult, we automatically listen for exaggerations, distortions, and errors.

When it comes to family and loved ones, some of the other person's complaints will be true, since we can't possibly get it all right - or even most of the time. We are imperfect after all! If it’s provided with care and consideration, thoughtful and honest criticism can provide a great learning opportunity. It helps to keep in mind that other people don't usually criticize us with the intention of doing harm - and if they do, it may be time reevaluate that relationship! Generally, people criticize us for the same reasons we criticize them. They want to be helpful and contribute to our betterment. Or, we have a trait, quality, or behavior that bothers them and affects our relationship, and they really do need to talk about it. They may think the relationship can't move forward if we don't consider our behavior and apologize. Sometimes the other person's criticism has everything to do with them and little to do with us. A person may be anxious, upset, or having a bad day. In that case, we may want to simply step aside from the negative judgment rather than make an issue of it. You know those battles that aren't worth fighting?

A more difficult situation arises when others chronically focus on us in a negative, controlling, or judgmental way - taking jabs, passive aggressive comments, etc. In this case, we need to say, "Enough!" without sweeping an important subject under the rug. We need to tell this person to tone it down and find a different way to talk to us.

Receiving criticism requires bravery to put down our guard and defenses and instead commit to listening.

Only after we hear out the other person’s criticism and anger (assuming it’s constructive), and we're open to apologizing for the inevitable hurts and mistakes that we are susceptible to make, can we expect to be TRULY HEARD by this person. A commitment to listening first doesn't mean that we sit in mute frustration, nor does it mean we tolerate rudeness. We need to have limits.

Try setting the following limits:

Instead of sitting in mute frustration, try saying something like, "What you're telling me is really important. But it's Christmas Eve/late at night/_____, and I'm finding it hard to continue to discuss right now. In order to give this my full undivided attention, I'd like to wait until _____(give a time/date) to discuss further."

Instead of tolerating rudeness, try saying something like, "I care about you, but I can't listen to you when you yell or call me names (objectively name the behavior)." Then, approach the person when calm and try opening up the dialogue again.

Sometimes, we need to decide in advance that we will try to listen differently - that ALL we'll do is listen and ask questions that will allow us to better understand where the other person is coming from. We can save our defense and explanation for a future conversation. No one likes being the target of criticism, but a lot can be gained from the challenge. With intention and practice, we can enhance our capacity to listen differently, to ask questions, reduce our emotional charge, and to move toward rather than away from the other person. We can apologize for the part we can agree with and speak to the differences.

Try the hard task of dropping your guard and listening first to what's difficult to hear. You might be surprised at the growth opportunity for you and your relationships!

What are your best outcomes when you’ve received criticism with bravery and an open heart?

How to Take Criticism Better