How to Resolve Conflict: REPAIR

Transcript:

When a fight occurs, it can feel terrifying because you fear that maybe it's destroyed the relationship. When relationships of any kind get particularly messy, we tend to get our feelings hurt and arguments occur, and the result is what I call a rupture. 

So this rupture might look like one comment from one person to the other that results in some painful feelings. Or it might be an argument that ends in some bitter silence. Or it might just be the failure to meet the other person's needs and expectations. 

So I think the more common rupture we think of is when one lashes out at another. Like a typical fight or conflict. But, conflict avoidance is another form of rupture. So sometimes if we're conflict avoidant we might try and swallow our feelings and take great steps to avoid a fight because we're scared that the results will end in a loss in the relationship or rejection or something like that.

So in my practice many of my clients often come to me and me to help them stop fighting. And, what I've learned over time is that this translates to a fantasy, that I think we all have, that we will just get along synergistically all the time - aka we have a deep desire to never fight, never have problems, never disagree. So I'm here to tell you that inevitably there will be problems and that ruptures will not go away. And in fact ruptures aren't so much the important piece or the part that I generally tend to focus on as much - it depends. But what I think is more critical is the repair piece after a rupture occurs.

So ruptures I think are opportunities for strengthening of relationships - to learn how to navigate difficulty and improve the ability to manage and ride out the problems. 

So with parents, I see many of them experience a deep worry that they must do everything right in caring for their children. So this perfectionism in doing everything correct as a parent leads to immense guilt and suffering. Because the truth is something will go wrong, how can it now, right? So an example is parents berate themselves if their child or baby is crying and they didn't hear it as quickly as they should have. Or maybe you've had a really stressful day at work and your child is fussy themselves, sleep deprived, hungry, and rather than being empathic and attuned, you snap at your child. 

So, this is all very typical. So I want to tell you that you need not be perfect. What I would ask of you instead is to strive for being good enough. So, do your best and know that ruptures sometimes will occur. And when they do, tell yourself that you're doing your best and you're doing your good enough which leads to having some kindness and compassion for yourself which opens yourself up to the opportunity to do the critical piece, which is the repair. 

So, when it's time to do the repair, be thoughtful about it. Return to your child, get on his or her level, and engage in the repair. So this will likely require some humility, it will likely require some patience and perspective taking. But just think that all of those things are beautiful characteristics to be role modeling for your child.

So in summary, every meaningful relationship over time gets messy and ruptures occur. And the third part that I really want you to focus on is the repair piece.

My name is Nicole Byrne. I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and I offer video counseling.

Thanks!