I Just Want to Feel Happy in My Relationship!

Let’s be honest, love and relationships take work! And even if you meet the most perfect person for you, effort will be required to keep things good. 

You may be in a current relationship or swiping left and right on dating apps, looking for your person. Perhaps you’re healing the tender wounds of a difficult break up or divorce. Either way, if you’re searching for fulfillment in your current relationship, in your future relationship, or in relationship with yourself, then read on… I’ve got some helpful tidbits to get you there!

1.    Accept reality, don’t fight it.

Do you ever say to yourself, “not fair” or “why me?” “Why is it sooo hard to find a good relationship…why am I still single…etc. “ It’s typical to want to fight reality and tell ourselves it should or shouldn’t be a certain way.

Unfortunately, going to battle with ourselves and reality intensifies our emotional reaction. So if we feel frustrated we get more frustrated, if we feel down about ourselves then we feel even lower, etc. Unfortunately, these negative feelings don’t help us pursue love and fulfillment. Rather, they create a barrier.

Acceptance doesn’t mean throwing in the towel or giving up. To the contrary, once we accept ourselves and reality, then we can consider if and how we’d like to change it. We can say, “ok this exists, let me consider how to handle it.”

Change is HARD!! Fighting our reality takes a lot of energy and doesn’t lead to a preferred outcome. So let’s save our energy by practicing acceptance, and then muster all of our strength into effective problem solving…aka enhancing the relationship you have with yourself, improving your current relationship, or doing the hard work of finding a good one.

2.    Stop and smell the roses.

I know it sounds cliche, but pausing to acknowledge the meaningful things and people in our lives can really uplift our mood and facilitate that yummy feeling that we all wish for over and over again...HAPPINESS. And guess what, when we’re happier, our ability to create happiness in relationship increases.  

Practicing appreciation on a daily basis plays a significant role in our quality of life, independent of personality or gratitude level. You can stop and smell the roses by focusing on and considering the value in what you have, spending time outside, and appreciating your relationships with others.

3.     Magic ratio = 5 positives : 1 negative.

According to research by the Gottman Institute, the difference between happy and unhappy couples is the balance between positive and negative interactions during conflict.

The MAGIC RATIO to make love last is 5 positive interactions to 1 negative interaction. Below are some examples of ways to practice positive interactions:

👉Display interest and curiosity (head nods, “uh huh”, open ended questions)
👉Express affection
👉Be silly together
👉Show empathy and apologize if you’ve done something to hurt their feelings
👉Seek opportunities for agreement, ESPECIALLY when in conflict
👉Focus on the positives and offer appreciation
👉Engage in frequent and small acts that show they matter
👉Respect your partner’s perspective, even if you don’t fully agree

Even if you aren’t ready for a relationship or you still haven’t found for Mr. or Ms. Right, this ratio is something to consider as you begin a relationship. It can really set the tone for what’s to come!