This 3 day weekend provided me a welcome reprieve from the stressors of the COVID-19 pandemic. The weather was sunny and hot which made me realize just how quickly summer is approaching. I found myself nostalgic for backyard bbq's with friends, vacations on the beach, and crisp rosé. While I'm thankful to have more opportunity to be outside and get some mood lifting vitamin D, I'm also sad to have a socially compromised summer.

So it got me thinking about how I've been coping and the patterns of coping I've seen with my clients. We're all living under some version of acute stress due to prolonged uncertainty. And a more recent talking point is our collective grief for the loss of normalcy, grief for the world we once knew, and grief for a future we thought we could imagine and currently can't. In these situations tensions rise and it exasperates the differences that already exist between people, particularly their coping styles.

With some couples, families, roommates, and friends there is a division along those that emphasize routine (preserve consistency of life as much as they can) and those that emphasize emergency (they're in upheaval, everything can change, and rules are thwarted because the world is nothing like it was so what's the point). Some people come in feeling more together with their efficient complementarity, and others are feeling more polarized than ever.

When there's a clear distinction in how to cope, we can view the other person's way of handling things as a threat. “You’re handling this incorrectly, you’re making me and others unsafe, you need to do this instead, etc.” This often leads to an argument as if one person is sure. It's a fake certainty in the face of the unknown.

There are several ways to relieve tension when you're experiencing a polarization in coping styles. Below are some tips:

It can be helpful to initially name the differences and acknowledge them as normal ways to deal with this stressful situation. Compassion and empathy go a long way in being able to negotiate how to move forward more easily.

Provide a framework for anticipatory trauma or grief. The 4 stages include 1) Warning, 2) Planning, 3) Actual Event, 4) Aftermath. Until recently, there was more of an option for denial because it's difficult to imagine an invisible danger. Now there is a sense of foreboding that most all of us are experiencing. Some people can be more active in their responses during different stages. Check in with yourself during these stages - how are you coping, does it look different, is it more extreme, less? What stage are we in?

This can help pull us out of that fake certainty during this uncertain time, and instead acknowledge the various ways we're suffering and the various ways we're coping. It can and it will likely change!

Tell me, how are you coping?

Coping With the Anticipatory Trauma and Grief of COVID-19