You bend over backwards to make things perfect, accommodating others in the process. It’d be nice to feel appreciated and capable, yet you’re worn out and confused because your negative thinking gets in the way of accessing all you’ve done well.

There’s nothing more rewarding than feeling accomplished and worthy from the care you’ve taken to do things well. But even in all that achievement, self criticism rears its loud voice and judges you for what you didn’t do and what you could have done better. Once you’ve made it through the slump of feeling crappy, there’s inevitably another opportunity to say yes and show up perfectly until you’re finally at your breaking point. Maybe for you this looks like irritability, exhaustion, resentment, and or apathy.

Ideally, you’d like to slow down and consider what matters to you beyond achievements, performance, and the list of “shoulds” and obligations. Perfectionistic tendencies rob you of the ability to feel good in the process of learning because it dictates that goodness only comes from successful outcomes. It’s important to separate what you are doing from who you are so that you can show up from start to finish with the goodness of knowing you’re enough. And additionally harness the traits of drive, conviction, and strong mindedness that you’ve developed along the way.

Strategies:

1. Make a mistake then CATCH, CANCEL, & CHANGE!

Messing up is valuable to growth. How we work with our thoughts when making a mistake helps us shift from “I’m a bad person that makes mistakes” to “I’m a good person that makes mistakes.” The first step is a commitment to lean in to your mistakes with curiosity and compassion. After a mistake, engage in the 3 C’s below:

CATCH - notice and catch the harsh and critical thoughts.
CANCEL - imagine asking yourself if that voice is useful (most likely not) and then decline the thought.
CHANGE - place your hand on your heart and say, “I am ok even when I make a mistake. I am safe. I am good inside even when I make a mistake on the outside.”

2. Flip pain into purpose

It can be hard to move on when something doesn't go well. You might blame and scrutinize yourself until you’re blue in the face! One way to shift away from self criticism is to consider how the pain is indicative of your core values.

Ask yourself, “What would I have to not care about for that not to hurt?” Search for the deep underlying value and what really matters as you uncover your answer.
Then, fill in the blank: If in [situation - something thematic to the recent event that didn’t go well] I [feel, think, remember, sense - something negative], let it be a reminder that I care about [value].
Repeat next time something similar happens.

3. Get to know your perfect voice

This voice often tells you things have to be perfect or else they’re not worth doing. She might show up before a work presentation, right before you host an event, and follow you around in your interactions with others. Relating compassionately to the perfect voice is far better than rejecting it. Talking to this voice nicely when it’s so loud you can’t hear other parts of yourself can be very effective.

Here is an idea of what to say:

“I hear you, perfect voice, and understand you’ve been showing up for a long time to try to be helpful. I appreciate that. I’d like for you to take a step back. I’m going to take a deep breath and remind myself that I can do hard things.” Then, keep reminding yourself that you can do hard things.

Share all the hard things you’re working on in the comments below!

You Should be Kinder to Your Perfectionism: Here’s Why.

Strategies: