People Pleasing Feels Safer. But It's Also Draining You: Here's What to Do
Why People Pleasing Feels Safe - But Leaves You Burned Out
If you’re the person everyone depends on—the responsible, capable, always-there-for-others woman—you’re probably drained and irritable.
People pleasing can feel like the safest (and nicest) way to navigate life. It avoids conflict, gains approval, and keeps everything "running smoothly." But here's what most of my high-achieving, burnout-prone clients discover:
🌟It can lead to staying up late to finish a presentation because you said “yes” to a friend’s last-minute request, even thought you were spread thin 👉 Overwhelm
🌟It might show up as resentment when you’re folding the laundry (again) while silently wondering why no one else seems to notice how much you're doing.
🌟And then there’s self-neglect which often hides in the skipped workouts, cold coffee, and that voice that says, “I’ll take care of myself once everyone else is okay.”
And while I imagine you’re incredibly gracious with others, you experience an inner critic who never lets up. You might recognize the voice:
"You should've done more."
"Why can't you keep it all together?"
"Don't let them down."
These thoughts are exhausting and without realizing it, they’ve become your inner soundtrack. Day after day. Especially if you never pause to examine them.
The First Step to Reclaiming Your Energy: Start with Self-Compassion
In ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), we often explore how our relationship to thoughts, especially harsh, critical ones, can profoundly shape how we feel and act.
I like to use a metaphor with my clients: imagine you're stuck in quarantine for one year with someone who constantly criticizes you…like a bully. How do you imagine you might feel at the end of that year?
You might feel anxious, tense, constantly on edge—never sure if you're doing enough or doing it right. Over time, you’d likely become withdrawn, exhausted, maybe even start believing the harsh words being said to you and no longer trust yourself.
Now imagine you quarantined with a best friend - someone who offers support, encouragement, and compassion.
What would shift if you lived with someone who said:
"You’re doing your best, and that’s enough."
"It’s okay to rest."
"You matter, too."
How might you feel after a year spent in quarantine with this person?
Instead of dread, you might feel safe. Instead of pressure, you might feel relief. Over time, you’d likely feel more confident, calmer, and trusting of your choices.
Shift from Inner Critic to Inner Ally with This ACT Metaphor
The ACT metaphor of quarantining with a bully versus a best friend helps us become more aware of our inner voice—so we can begin shifting from self-criticism to self-kindness.
Instead of getting stuck in endless self-judgment and exhaustion, we learn to pause and ask: Is this voice supporting me to do hard things? Is this voice helping me be curious and pivot in a direction that’s in alignment with my values? Or is it leading me to feel worthless and or dragging me deeper into burnout?
When you start to pivot toward self-kindness, things change:
You feel less reactive and more grounded.
You set clearer boundaries without guilt.
You experience more peace, even when things are still busy.
In this short video, I walk through the metaphor and how it applies to your daily experience—especially when you feel trapped in people-pleasing patterns and self-criticism.
Feeling Stuck in the Cycle? You're Not Alone.
If you're constantly juggling everyone else’s needs, and your inner voice keeps telling you it’s never enough, it makes sense that you’re feeling worn out. So many of the women I work with have been in that same place: successful on the outside, but quietly running on fumes.
There is a way to move through life that feels more spacious, more intentional, and more aligned with who you are - not just who you're expected to be.
I specialize in helping high-achieving women across California and Nevada untangle from burnout, people-pleasing, and self-criticism through online therapy.
If you’re ready to reconnect with your values, soften your inner voice, and finally feel more like yourself again, I’d love to support you. You can learn more about my approach or book a free consultation here.
Let’s explore what life can look like with more space to breathe—and more kindness within.