A Simple Way to Find Balance

Transcript:

So, in life we’re bound to encounter difficulty. It’s inevitable. And, sometimes when we handle difficulty, we get upset, and we maybe aren’t our best selves. We maybe look back on the situation and we say, “coulda, woulda shoulda…wish I coulda handled that better.”

Well, it’s pretty typical that when we feel really upset, or sad, or angry, that it’s hard to handle ourselves effectively because we’re in an emotional state.  And then you know there’s those times when you can recall, where you’re like, “wow, I handled that really well even though it was really hard, even though this person said this difficult thing to me.” And maybe you just happened to be better prepared with what to say because you had thought of it. But chances are you were probably feeling a bit calmer and had the pause and wherewithal to be able to respond in a way that felt better.

So, today I’m going to teach you a really simple skill to help you when you are encountering difficult situations to handle yourself in a way that’s going to lead you feeling pretty good about it. 

What we know is that when we’re feeling really upset – so let’s say something says something, it makes us really angry or sad, we react in a way that we loose our temper – maybe we just shut down, we feel like we can’t engage in the conversation anymore, we stomp our feet – whatever it is. When that happens, we’re not accessing the part of our brain necessary to be able to really engage in an effective negotiation with someone.  That part of the brain is called the pre-frontal cortex. And that part of the brain is what helps us with planning, it’s what we use to be empathic to others and to have empathy, its what we use to find balance in our life, resilience, all of those things. That part of the brain shuts down when we are really emotional and upset.

So this tool is a way to help us reach a more relaxed state so that the part of the brain that’s going to help you deal with some of these difficulties will be more at capacity to do so. This is something that you can do as adults. It’s also something if you are a parent and you have kids that you can teach your kids to do , that you can role model for your kids. It really works for any ages.

So, let’s go ahead and get started. I want you to go ahead and put one hand on your heart and the other on your stomach. You can’t see my stomach in this video but just imagine that my hand is there. Do it with me. I want you to take a couple of deep breaths while your hands are here. And you’ll notice that you may start to feel calm. And so notice the calm feeling that you have. So take deep breaths, hold yourself here.

So what I want you to do tonight is I want you to remember this position. And before you go to bed tonight, when you’re in your most relaxed stated, you’re feeling sleepy, your thoughts have dissipated, and your eyelids are drooping – I want you to go ahead and do this again. Place your hand on your heart and your other hand on your stomach. Take in that calm, relaxed state. And if you can remember, continue to do this throughout the week, before you go to bed. It doesn’t have to be before bed. If you happen to notice that you’re feeling really relaxed at a certain time during the day and you’re like, “oh I’m working on this skill,” go ahead and do this. And, what this will do is this will increase the association between feeling calm and placing your hand on your heart and your stomach. You’ll know that this is your signal to your overall body, to your brain, to relax, tune in, and get grounded. So that moving forward, if and when you’re in a situation where you become upset, for whatever reason, go ahead and pause and ago ahead and place your hand on your heart and stomach. And let yourself relax a bit, breath in, and feel the shift in your feelings and emotions.

And I can guarantee you that just this little simple skill is going to support you to be able to activate the pre-frontal cortex –the part of your brain that you’re going to need to maybe have some empathy for whatever you and the person who’s upset you, or empathy for the situation, or empathy for yourself related to what’s happening. It’s going to allow you to think about how you want to negotiate the situation or respond in a way that you’re going to feel proud about.

So I hope this is a skill you can find useful and helpful. My name is Nicole Byrne. I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and I offer online therapy. Thank you.