How to Gracefully Make a Request

Transcript:

Hi. The skill of making a clear, assertive, and calm request is necessary to take care of yourself.  Often what keeps us from making a request is fear that the request will be rejected and the belief that we aren’t deserving of our request. Often times we reason our way out of asking for help by telling ourselves that we can figure it out on our own. And sometimes by worrying that we would burden the person through our ask of them.

It can feel risky and vulnerable to make a request, I get it. However, if you struggle to make requests on a repeated basis, you’ll likely feel helpless at times and resentful. Even if challenging, requests are self-protecting. And making them improves the quality of your life. For that reason, I’m going to teach you 4 easy steps that will help you make a simple request.

Step 1 is a justification.

Here I want you to explain in one sentence what the problem is. So for example, you might say “It’s cold in here. “ “These bags are heavy.” “It’s a long way to walk.”  Not every situation needs a justification, but if it does, keep it simple.

The 2nd step is a softening statement.

This is an important part of the request because it establishes you as a reasonable and polite person who is non-demanding. Here are some examples of softening statements:

“Would you mind if…” “It would be helpful if you could…”Could I please have…” “I was wondering if…” “I’d appreciate if you would…”

This is a gentle way to begin the request and you’re far less likely to encounter resistance than you would if you asked in a hard-pressed demand.

Step 3 is a direct and specific question.

Say what you want clearly and exactly. Leave any emotion or charge out of your voice. Don’t’ be apologetic. And this is not the time to blame, try to prove a point, or imply that something is wrong with the other person. Instead, say what you want in a calm, objective, and matter of fact way. Present your request as normal and reasonable – something that anyone would be glad to accommodate. And perhaps think to yourself that you would be likely to accommodate if someone else asked this of you – because I bet you, you would.  If you can, keep the request to one sentence. The more that you elaborate and explain yourself, the more resistance you’ll tend to run into. And it might be confusing for the other person.

The final step is an appreciation statement.

This reinforces the behavior of the person that is accommodating your request. It makes them feel that you value what they’re doing.  It feels good for the other person to be appreciated and likewise you’re probably happy to receive their support. So let the other person know that.

Here are some examples:

“This will really help me out.” “Thanks for your effort with this.” “This will make a real difference.” “This is much appreciated.”

So when you put it all together, a simple request can look like this: “I’m cold in here. I’d appreciate if you would turn the heat on. Thanks so much.”

Another example, let’s say you’re in a restaurant: “The sun is really bright. Would you mind lowering the shades? This is much appreciated.”

And finally, let’s say you’re a passenger in your friend’s car. I’m nervous to drive this close, especially at this speed. Would it be ok with you to leave a little more room between us and the car in front? Thanks so much for indulging me on this one.”

So again, Step 1 is justification. Step 2 is a softening statement. Step 3 is your question. And Step 4 is an appreciation.

I recommend that you write these 4 steps out. You can write scripts for yourself if it feels like it would be helpful. And go ahead and practice, particularly with non-scary types of requests. The more that you do this, the more practice you have, the more skilled you’ll get at asking for things. And, so when in the future you have a more vulnerable request, lets say to your partner about an emotional need or a physical need, you’ll have the confidence and the skill to be able to ask in a really effective way.

So I hope this helps. Please let me know if you do give it a try. I’d love to hear what you asked for and how it went.

My name is Nicole Byrne. I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and I offer online therapy. Thanks so much!