How to Address an Anxious or "Hot Button" Issue

Transcript:

Hey there. We’ve all experienced when someone we care about hurts our feelings. We typically respond with anger or silence. And this is normal to react this way because it feels like the best we can do to deal with the discomfort of the situation. Not only that, you probably don’t like to stir the pot. You’re someone who works hard to maintain good relationships. You get along with people and you’re likeable.  The idea of confronting someone or causing disruption does not sound appealing. So for this reason you’re probably used to managing your hurt on your own, doing your best to get over it. The thought of how the other person would respond if you did bring up this subject is enough to say “no thank you, I’ll deal with this on my own.”

It’s really normal to feel nervous about putting another person on the spot. Obviously we don’t have to address every injustice that comes our way. And in fact it can be an act of maturity to let things go. With close family members however, there’s a lot of benefit in finding the courage to speak clearly. Non-reactive, engaged conversation is far more likely to get at the root of hurt feelings and change them. So strengthening your voice with one key person will affect every relationship you’re in because other relationships get bogged down when we can’t discuss what matters and what’s causing us pain. So if you tackle how to respond with one family member, all the rest of your relationships will change for the better.

So my name is Nicole Byrne. I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and I offer online therapy. What I am starting to talk to you about probably feels very overwhelming and daunting and you’re wondering what it is that I plan to suggest.. 

I have a clear and kind 2 step formula that you can use to broach hard topics with people that matter. This will bring you ease and improve the dynamics in your relationship. I’m going to use an example to help make this as crystal clear as possible.

So let’s say your mom makes it clear that she does not approve of the person you’re dating. Let’s call this person Joey. You plan to attend your sister’s wedding and your mom says to you, “Please don’t draw attention to your relationship with Joey.” Hurtful right? Because it infers that she doesn’t approve.

Step 1 of dealing with the hurtful topic is to practice asking clear questions about the very subject you most want to ignore, which in this case is her disapproval.  And in this conversation or series of conversations, I’d like for you to only listen, to ask questions, and to try to learn more. That’s your job.  Do your best to refrain from judgment, hold an open mind, and attempt to ask questions with curiosity and compassion.

So you could say, “Mom, what’s the hardest thing for you about my choice to date Joey?” Or you could say, what do you think Grandma would have felt, or how would she have experienced it if you were dating someone she disapproved of?”

In this way, you’re letting the other person know that you’re genuinely interested and learning more about their perspective. Listening is an essential part of having a voice. So you may also feel calmer and more at ease as you start to listen and understand. The other person’s insensitive response is likely fueled by their own anxiety and their history. And that can be helpful for you to develop compassion. 

Step 2 is slightly harder. In this subsequent conversation, this is where you define where you stand, your perspective, and here is where you address the differences.

So an example for this context is, “Mom , I was thinking about our conversation yesterday or last week. You and I see my choice to date Joey differently. As I understand it, you think that he lacks direction in life. And you’re concerned about his financial stability. I have a very different view.  My perspective is that Joey treats me with incredible love and respect and that his values, his passion and creativity and what he’s attempting to accomplish aligns with my values. And for that reason, I want to be in this relationship. What do you think mom about the difference between us?”

So you see here that speaking about the differences is not the same as trying to convince or to change the other person. It doesn’t imply that the other person is wrong. It instead requires you to clarify and define your differences with as much respect for the other person’s differences as you can muster.

I gather you’re an incredibly considerate person. This is a brave form of respect. And it requires your willingness to listen. This in it of itself is contagious. And it will transform how you relate to others.

So remember, when speaking to any difficult issue, stay focused on what you want to say about yourself, rather than on eliciting a particular response from the other person. If you’re needing a particular response from another person, then it’s a good indication that you’re not ready to broach the difficult topic. And that’s ok.

Visit my website, just below, go ahead and click there. Where scheduling is easy. I’m accepting new clients and I love working with women who want to live confidently and venture bravely with authenticity. So schedule right now and I cannot wait to work with you. Thanks and have a wonderful day.