I Want to Feel Better. Take Opposite Action!

Transcript:

Hi there.

Do you ever feel so down and low that its hard to get up out of bed? Or, maybe you feel so terrified of having a conflict a confrontational conversation or a hard conversation that you avoid it all together and then the situation never resolves. And, your anxiety builds up further. Or maybe you feel so frustrated with your partner that you lash out at him, only to lead to more frustration and anger because it turns into a fight and you're not so happy with how you handled the situation to begin with. 

If any of these situations sound somewhat familiar to you then this video is for you.

Im going to teach you a skill from DBT called opposite action. And it's meant to relieve you of these overwhelming feelings and lead you to have more effective resolutions. So rather than talk our way into feeling better, I believe that what is more powerful is to act our way into feeling better. Ok, so taking action or as a skill would be taking opposite action. 

So this is a technique to change painful emotions or painful feelings by setting into motion an action that is helpful. It's important to know that this technique isn't about suppressing our feelings. Rather it's about acknowledging our feelings and using our feelings as a tool to help us take action so that the results will be gradual change in these feelings.

So I'm going to go ahead and use several examples to hopefully help you to put this technique to use, hopefully in the upcoming weeks.

So the first example I'm going to use is going back to anger or frustration. So some people when they feel anger will shut down or you've heard the silent treatment before - that's one way. Another very typical way is to yell. So let's say your boyfriend said he was going to do the dishes and he didn't and it's been all day and you are feeling extremely angry and you end up yelling at him. And then, chances are he yells back or whatever else - it turns into a fight and really the dish situation isn't resolved and you kinda feel like, man I didn't show up really well for this conversation. 

So taking opposite action would be: "I feel angry, my boyfriend said he would clean up the dishes, he hasn't stuck to his commitment, rather than yell right now I'm going to go walk away." And when you walk away it's a time for you to take some deep breaths, let your anger subside, because chances are when you return to see your boyfriend, you'll be able to talk with him in a more effective way to resolve the issue.

Another example is sadness. So like I said earlier, sometimes when we feel sad, it can be hard to get out of bed and move on with the day. And even in the moment it might feel good to just listen to music, watch movies, stay in bed, research shows that staying isolated actually makes us feel worse. And there's a chance that your sadness might last for a longer amount of time by doing that. So taking opposite action would be: "I feel sadness. Even though I want to stay in bed I'm going to do the reverse of that and I'm going to get out of the house and I'm going to go grocery shopping, I'm going to run an errand, I'm going to take a walk, visit with a friend, whatever it is - even if it's 45 minutes or an hour. And you might not notice immediate change but little by little, gradually,  you'll experience some change and your sadness will subside. 

So the last example I'm going to use is how to take opposite action when you feel fear or anxiety. So I will use myself as an example. I tend to be a perfectionist and I have a history of having a hard time asking for help from others because of this irrational belief I have that people will judge me, that people will notice my shortcomings and think differently of me - all of these things which I know are not true. So when I was in college I would experience a lot of fear around asking for help from my professors and going to them for office hours. But I knew that in order for me to get over this fear and to actually benefit in college and grow, that I needed to show up. So in spite of feeling fear and every part of my being telling me not to go - even losing sleep over it at times, I would go to office hours and ask for help. And after about a year or so, you know, the fear gradually went away, and that fear turned instead to acceptance.

So those are 3 examples of ways to take opposite action that I hope you can find useful in implementing in your own life. 

What I want to quickly say is that this strategy is not always appropriate and I want to make sure that I'm clear that there are some occasions when you should actually listen to the emotion and not do the reverse.

One example is if you're feeling fear, and you're actually in an unsafe situation - so the fear is rational, it is warranted - then I encourage you to listen to that fear and take all the necessary steps to keep yourself safe.

Another example when this strategy would not be a good time to use it is if you are feeling guilt because you did something contrary to your ethics or your values. Then again, do not act opposite of that. Instead you should work to repair the situation. Maybe apologize, then move on. 

So that is all that I have to say about opposite action. My name is Nicole Byrne. I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and I offer online psychotherapy.

Thanks!